Torn apart, the black sheep is aching

Freedom, something priceless, worth many fights, worth wandering the world in a quest of liberality, worth sacrifices and losses, freedom is worth the pain and the aching a freedom seeker pays a price for it.

Freedom is not something everyone have and there is many who do not know the meaning of it, simply because they never fought for it, they inherited it, but there is people like me, slaves of a system, who had a taste of it and for ever after craved it and done the best to acquire it.

For me, freedom was an equation, grab my hands and get it, get out there in the big world and fight for my individual freedom knowing the risks, the ups and downs, the possibilities and the failures and knowing that to do so I willingly have to donate my soul a price for the quest I am seeking and willingly sacrifice any stable future I may have if I led the simple life I was supposed to live OR never do anything about it, live with my family, loved up by them, get marry young, have kids and get involved with my life as it is without the what ifs, close the window on the big world, never wonder what lies behind the borders, never wonder how my life can turn to be if I ran wild, it was either the extreme or the very ordinary.

My family is a middle class family, we aren't poor but we're not rich either, all the members of my family prays to Allah five times a day, wearing either Hijab or a Veil, very simple, no one had ever done anything bad, smoked a rolled up cigarette, had sex outside marriage bond or stayed outside late !!
And here comes me, I resist covering my hair, not because its very beautiful because it is not, but simply because I did not feel like I have to, I did not feel that I will go to hell if I didn't, then the way I dress, for westerners it is plain, simple and decent, for my society it is trashy, showing off and a bad way to say I have no morals, I remember I had a brown skirt that I loved to bits, it wasn't tight, it was very elegant and goes down in length to just under my knees and my family was pissed off as to how do I dare going out like this, that I have brought shame on them, that all the neighbourhood is slagging me off, my mother sat me down, brought the scissors and I watched in pain while she tore it to bits in-front of me, I remember that night very well, it broke me down and it made me cry non stop, I felt that the world was so unfair, the society was so unfair, why a teenager have to go through all the shouting, the weird looks and the horror just because of a skirt that shows a tiny bit of my legs?.

I grew up very different, I rebelled, I would go outside with my friend and stay as late as I enjoy, I made it a rule to my self to try everything out before I judge whether i like it or not.

It was obvious I had to choose my current life, I had to leave my family,and go far away from this backward society that never accepted me and live where I fit, an Arabic Muslim girl with a western mind.

As much as I appreciate my freedom, as much as I know that all the bad experiences I lived along the years was nothing compared to seconds of being totally in control of my life I still miss my family and no matter what happens I love them to bits.

It hurts knowing that I am the black sheep in the family, and that they never accept me the way I am, it hurts to know that for them to accept me I have to change to become like them, like the million of Muslim girls unaware of their rights and with no ambitions, sometimes I need my family, I am only human and it does not matter how strong I am, I need the support of my family but the only thing I get from them is a prayer for Allah to change me! A prayer of Allah to show me the errors of my ways.. Words of advice that I am a sinner and that If I did not repent to their ways that I am doomed to hell.

Freedom is priceless, the things we willingly give up for freedom is also priceless, but the likes of me knows very well that our souls will never be able to know happiness unless we are free, we have to hope that those who matters to us will one day accept us the way we are.

To freedom and Liberality I gave you my soul, mind and emotions and I will always be a soldier in the holly fight of freeing mankind from mind wash and slavery in all its modern shapes.